U N R E A L I T Y

REVIEW: Pineapple Express

Great Expectations

Yeah, I didn’t see this coming either.

No one wanted Pineapple Express to be great more than me. Ever since I heard the casting of Seth Rogen and James Franco in a “stoner-action-comedy” I was sold, and when the trailer debuted? Every line and dance move was hilarious, and was only amplified by the most appropriate song choice in trailer history, M.I.A.’s Paper Planes.

But now, after viewing, I’m sad to say that Pineapple Express is the most disappointing movie since Spiderman 3. Though there are humorous moments, the entire project comes across as just purely lazy. The comedy drifts away from the heart-and-soul smartness of Superbad or Knocked Up and delves headfirst into slapstick and cheese.

I understand that the movie is meant to be a stoner flick, but that doesn’t mean you should have to be skyscraper high to enjoy it. And sober as I was in the theater, I found myself merely grinning at jokes that are meant to have you on the floor laughing. It’s a classic case of “all the funny parts are in the trailers” with very little saved for the actual movie. This isn’t usually the case in a Rogen-written, Apatow-produced film, as they usually have more than enough wit to fill an entire script, but it seems they might have been smoking a little too much this time around.

The cast is another looming problem for Express, with the exception of a dumbfoundingly brilliant James Franco as Seth Rogen’s perma-stoned dealer Saul, every other character is either inherently dislikeable, completely one dimensional, or both. Rogen, as process server Dale Denton, is almost a complete character, but more often than not you’ll be thinking, “Man this guy’s kind of a huge asshole.” He’s a slacker yes, but not like the chubby, loveable goof he was in Knocked Up.

The rest of the cast might as well be cardboard cutouts. Saul’s supplier Red (played by an infantile Danny McBride) could be a semi-retarded character out of Napoleon Dynamite and his stupidly slapstick ability to sustain mortal injury is directly taken from Austin Powers. Gary Cole plays a vicious drug lord, but the role could have been filled by anyone who knows how to yell. Rosie Perez, Kevin Corrigan and Craig Robinson fill out the hit squad roster, but do little more than constantly bitch and have an unquenchable need to pistol whip people. The whole enemy ensemble could pretty much be taken out of an episode of Magnum P.I. as the characters have the same amount of depth.

Another of the film’s flaws is the hammering to death of the “bro-mance” formula which apparently reached it peak in Superbad. But unlike that film, which featured high schoolers talking and acting exactly like high schoolers, this film isn’t grounded in reality in the least, and therefore forfeit’s most of its “emotion” cards at the door. Saul and Dale become friends. Bad things happen. Dale yells at Saul even though nothing’s his fault. Saul leaves and gets kidnapped. Dale saves him and everyone is BFFs (they literally use that phrase 30 times in the last 10 minutes). Is it really obligatory to have a plot arc like this, which has been used in every single buddy story since Bert first bitched out Ernie on Sesame Street?

I understand that making a buddy action comedy is fairly difficult to pull off effectively if Jackie Chan is not involved. But the amount of laziness present in Pineapple Express is especially frustrating, given the high expectations set by possibly the greatest comedic trailer of the last decade. It’s reasonable to assume that some Apatow projects like Talladega Nights and Drillbit Taylor aren’t going to be gold, but this movie looked to be in the tradition of 40 Year Old Virgin. Unfortunately, it’s just another dumb stoner (or dumb action) flick that you’ll see on Comedy Central at 4 PM on a Wednesday. But hey, at least you might be stoned.

2 out of 5 stars

At least we’ll always have the trailer.

“Thug life!”

REVIEW: Soul Calibur IV

Blades of Glory

“Can’t….move….too much….armor.”

I remember my very first experience with the Soul Calibur series way back when I was ten. The game was called Soul Blade in those days and it was an arcade game at Total Soccer Arena in Wixom. I had just finished an indoor game when I happened to glance over at two kids playing it. In that brief moment walking towards the door, I saw a barrel chested man dressed in fur jam an enormous ax into the skull of a large-chested ninja. I was hooked.

It’s the weapons combat that’s been the most appealing aspect of the Soul series. Mortal Kombat has its absurd blood fountains, Street Fighter has its hadouken anime action and Tekken has well, punching and kicking. Soul Calibur however, has an incredibly diverse selection of weapons, some of which I’m pretty sure don’t even exist in real life (the ring blade? Really?). Now in its fourth iteration, the new Soul Calibur is definitely one of the most polished fighting games out there, but that doesn’t mean it still isn’t a bit of a disappointment.

Soul Calibur IV has a lot of things going for it. The franchise at this point is so well established that we’ve grown to love all of the blade-slinging characters like they’re our actual friends, and it’s a pleasure to see them rendered beautifully on either system. The texture, the detail, is absolutely stunning, and of course Soul Calibur has the best boob-bouncing engine this side of Dead or Alive Beach Volleyball.

Not just content with looking pretty, the game also has some of the best combat mechanics of any fighting series out there. It actually feels like you’re hitting someone when you hit them, and there are significantly less physics slip-ups than in previous games. And as always, some of the grabs are downright cringe-inducing (Zasalamel’s guillotine? Ouch). But Soul Calibur’s elaborate gameplay is also one of its downfalls. Why? It’s the most complicated and intensive damn combat system ever created.

Each character has literally hundreds and hundreds of moves, courtesy of four buttons combined with eight directional movements (both with varying levels of pressure sensitivity) which results in a virtually unlimited supply of potential pairings, 90% of which will never actually see the battlefield. There’s no doubt that Soul Calibur is a hardcore fighting gamer’s dream, but for the less intense player? It’s just way too much to keep track of.

Hilde…a girl? Wearing armor? Ridiculous!

This concentration on an infinite supply of moves has left the game lacking severely in other areas. The last few games in the Soul series have had attempts at a “story” or “adventure” mode each with varying success, but IV definitely has the worst yet. The “story” mode, if you can call it that, for each character is stupidly shallow, with a Star Wars style scrolling text intro, and an end cutscene about thirty seconds long with a bit of Chinese fortune cookie advice thrown in at the end (“The clouds scatter with the wind, but his soul will never be scattered like the clouds”). And in between? A meager five rounds of battle with little to no character interaction. It’s horribly depressing to see a once in depth storyline fall to this, although it does make beating the game with every character easily accomplishable in the span of a day.

The new mode that most players with be tackling instead is “tower mode” in which a player ascends (or descends) different levels of the tower, fighting baddies with an assembled super team of fighters, complete with upgradeable equipment and weapons. Wait, what’s that? There’s upgradeable equipment and weapons now? Yes, that’s right, but the system to do so is so convoluted that you’ll be tearing your hair out to get the upgrades you want.

This leads into a discussion of the newly implemented character customization system. The system itself is gorgeous and surprisingly deep. You can make your own stunning characters that look as good as any already in the game, hell, I even made the Joker with a little creativity (and Taki’s knife skills). The problem is, each specific piece of clothing has it’s own skill values, like power, impact, gauge (HP), and special. So if you’re trying to build a specific type of fighter, chances are you’re going to be throwing together a mishmash of random items in order to get the skills you want. Don’t think you’re massive hulking ax man looks good in a top hat? Well that’s too bad since you need that extra +5 Gauge in order to use your HP Drain move. It takes all the fun out of it when you design a character looking exactly the way you want, but then they end up starting with half the life of a regular fighter because you didn’t want to load them up with ten tons of armor plating.

Soul Calibur IV is disappointing simply because of the high standards I have for the series. It took forever to get here, and now that it has, you would think they would have put a little more thought into it than they did. It’s still a great fighting gaming, but begins to be exhausting right about the time you’re at the thirtieth floor of the tower. I wish I had the heart to memorize a book full of moves to beat it, but really, I just want to play a game.

3.5 out of 5 stars

Ivy shows Hilde how it’s done. And no, despite what you think, those are not her weapons.

Johnny Depp in Next Tim Burton Film? You Don’t Say…

He won’t even need a new costume.

In a bit of interesting, yet completely unsurprising casting news, it’s now rumored that Johnny Depp is being cast as the Mad Hatter in Tim Burton’s live action Alice in Wonderland adaptation. While the casting choice is about as predictable as the sun coming up tomorrow, it should be a fun role for him nonetheless.

I’m actually a bit pumped for Tim’s Alice since it’s an incredibly fucked up story that a lot could be done with. Just don’t turn it into another Chococlate Factory with all it’s rainbow goodness. I’d prefer the Sweeney Toddy route so let’s shoot for an “R.” Also, I’m glad that Helena Bonham Carter isn’t Alice, which is pretty unexpected given her relationship with Burton (they’re married). Instead Alice is this chick. Huh. I’ll bite I guess.

Final Thoughts: Will Ferrell as the March Hare! Just kidding…

“Max Payne” Poster Surprisingly Cool

Dude this is no time to find enlightenment, there’s an angry angel behind you.

Now I don’t normally comment on movie posters, but I was particularly struck by this Max Payne teaser. I’m still not really sold on the movie itself, making my judgement from its bullet-time-tastic trailer. Despite not really having anything to do with the video game, I like the whole supernatural Angel of Death idea, because guys in black leather jackets shooting other guys in black leather jackets gets old after awhile.

Final Thoughts: Can you kill an angel with a gun? Maybe they have brimstone bullets or something. Dear God don’t let this turn into Constantine.

“Top Gun 2” Rumored, Idea is Both Dangerous and Foolish

“Hey wouldn’t it suck if in twenty years I got fat and you went crazy?”

So this is some news that set a few sirens going off in my head. Apparently some studio thinks its a great idea to finally make a sequel to the homo-erotic masterpiece that is Top Gun. This is a dangerous proposition, but not completely out of the question I suppose, but here’s the rub: Tom Cruise is being asked to pull a Harrison Ford and reprise his role as Maverick.

While Cruise isn’t quite as decrepit as Ford, (Cruise is 46, Ford is 134), the tenative plot synopsis looks to be a bit sketchy for the sequel:

“A script outline has been written, but the sequel depends on Cruise, 46, saying yes.

An insider said: “The idea is Maverick is at the Top Gun school as an instructor — and this time it is he who has to deal with a cocky new female pilot.”

So he’s an instructor eh? And there’s a cocky new female pilot? Whoa, whoa, whoa, you can’t have a female lead in a homo-erotic movie! Don’t they know that? This will ruin everything. Top Gun is all about bro-bonding and rat tailing each other in the shower. Now some girl’s gonna come and hetero everything up? Not on my watch.

Final Thoughts: You know Tom will only agree if they cast Katie Holmes as the pilot. And I’d say there’s about a 75% chance of that happening.

REVIEW: The Dark Knight

Great Expectations

Immortal.

This is probably going to be one of the hardest reviews I’ve ever written. Through my many adventures writing about film, I’ve found that there’s an inverse relationship between the quality of a movie and the ease of which the review is written. I like nothing better than to rip through a shitty horror movie like a hurricane, but when I find a movie that I really, truly love? It’s much harder to form coherent thoughts. And this is it, The Dark Knight is my movie soulmate, and it’s going to be hard to avoid rambling like a love-drunk fanboy to tell you why, but I’ll do my best.

As I’m writing this, The Dark Knight has just unseated Spiderman 3 as king of the opening weekend box office, raking in $155 million dollars in just three days. To achieve such a monumental feat requires nothing short of a perfect storm of ingredients, and the film has them all in spades. Brilliant director? Check. Oscar-worthy cast? Check. Established franchise and rabid fanbase? Double check. Hype? Triple check.

In fact, the hype is what worried fans the most. Ever since Batman Begins made its debut three years ago, the television, and more extensively, the internet, has been flooded with massive amounts promotion, sometimes almost nauseatingly so. And then with the untimely death of Heath Ledger, the hype-meter was cranked up to 11 as we all knew we were going to witness what would be a legendary post-mortem performance.

But what’s astonishing is how unprepared audiences will be for the sheer quality of the film, despite their extremely high expectations. Unlike Spiderman 3 however, which claimed to showcase a darker, edgier Spiderman and instead gave us an eye-rolling musical camp-fest, The Dark Knight delivers on all of its promises, and the final product is downright scary.

This, of course, is due to a combination of factors, one of the main ones being Christopher Nolan’s brilliant direction. He takes the plot intricacies, layers and nuances of his less commercial films like Memento and The Prestige and combines them with the explosive action of a summer blockbuster. That’s the main reason as to why the film is visually stunning, emotionally gripping, critically acclaimed and beloved by audiences to the point of insanity.

Fun fact: Matt Damon almost played Harvey Dent. I think we dodged a bullet there.

The other driving force behind the film’s pathos is a man, Heath Ledger. His portrayal of the Joker is without a doubt one of the single greatest character creations in cinema history. And with his tragic death, another layer of mystique has been added to a role that was already going to legendary. Ledger’s Joker is a completely different animal than Jack Nicholson’s dancing, singing clown in the original Batman. He’s visibly and audibly insane, and the decision to reveal nothing about his origins actually makes the character more complex. We learn that he is simply driven by the need to destroy, and though he claims he flies by the seat of his pants, his schemes are downright brilliant, and of course, overtly sadistic. Add in psychotic ticks, laughter and phrases (every one of his lines is an instant classic), and you have one of the scariest villains ever seen on film.

Though you could go on forever about the intricacies of Ledger’s Joker, he is only a part of a larger whole, an ensemble cast that give Ocean’s 11 a run for its money. There’s Gary Oldman as the valiant Lieutenant Gordon, Morgan Freeman as tech guru Lucius Fox and of course Michael Caine as the loveable Alfred. All these performances are stellar themselves, but they’re swallowed up in the massive scope of the film. Maggie Gyllenhaal proves to be an adequate replacement for Katie “Please let me out of the basement, Tom” Holmes. She’s clearly a better actress, but in terms of eye candy? I believe Ms. Holmes wins on that front.

But Rachel’s new beau is yet another character that steals the show, but unexpectedly this time as we did have a hunch that the Joker would blow us away. Aaron Eckhart’s idealistic Harvey Dent is a brilliant contrast to Bruce Wayne. Deemed the “White Knight” of Gotham, Bruce admires his ability to put criminals behind bars without wearing a mask, like his creation, the “Dark Knight,” is forced to do. He’s built up to be an incorruptible symbol of virtue, which makes his physically and morally disfiguring downfall at the hands of the Joker all the more jarring and tragic.

And finally, we have what should be the star of the show, but really, he too is only another piece of the puzzle. Christian Bale is pulling triple duty as the three faces of Batman. There’s obviously the grovelly-voiced, masked wearing superhero, who gets a great deal more screen time than in the first movie, but there’s also the Lamborghini driving, model banging billionaire playboy Bruce Wayne. But his final role, brooding Bruce Wayne, debating the morality and consequences of his actions with Alfred, is by far the most interesting to watch.

The Dark Knight is a tapestry, all of the roles are performed to perfection and woven together by the masterful Nolan into the best film of all time (well, if you believe IMDB that is). It will haunt you long after you leave the theater, and you will have an uncontrollable desire to see it over and over again. It’s a rare opportunity to witness cinema history, so be sure to catch it on the big screen while you still have the chance.

5 out of 5 stars

An absurd number of my friend’s Facebook statuses are overflowing with exuberance about “The Dark Knight.”

My favorite: “Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na Batman!”

Amy Poehler to Star in “Office” Spinoff

A t-shirt with a halter top? Hilarious!

I can’t tell if I want to put this into the “good” or “bad” news category because I don’t think it’s as simple as all that. Amy Poehler, or the only person you still recognize from SNL, has been cast to supposedly star in the new Office spinoff.

Really, I can take or leave Amy Poehler. She’s done humorous guest spots on 30 Rock and Arrested Development but I don’t think I can use the transitive property to claim that she’ll be a good star of a spinoff of my favorite show. I really wish we were getting her husband Will Arnett instead, but perhaps he’ll show up in a wacky guest cameo, hooray!

This is also good news because if Poehler is supposed to “star” that means that they don’t need to gank one of the main stars of The Office to start this spinoff, which I’ve feared from the get-go they would do. Granted this show might completely suck ass, but as long as the original Office cast remains intact, I really couldn’t care less.

Final Thoughts: Sure you can have Dwight, if you pry him from my cold dead hands.

Liveblogging the Sony E3 Press Conference

2:37 – Sony video opens with a first person shooter of some sort. That means this is already better than Nintendo’s entire press conference.

2:38 – Jack Tretton, first video game executive introduced not accompanied by some sort of avatar of himself.

2:40 – Yes, Kratos shoutout. Hopefully that means we get at GOW III demo.

2:42 – Touting Blu-ray as the “wave of the future.” I know it won the format war, but I still don’t buy it. Blu-ray movies are still like $30 each, preposterous.

2:45 – Haha, he just cited MGS4 as a “PS exclusive.” It’s funny because normally you’d list like four games there.

2:47 – PS3 has more exclusive games than any other console? I guess so, but the problem is 95% of them suck ass.

2:48 – First look at Resistance 2. Giant monster is unfazed by puny rocket launcher. Ah, except when you shoot one down its throat. I guess that makes sense. Go for the eyes, the eyes! That always works!

2:50 – Wow this person sucks at aiming. It doesn’t ever matter because this thing eats bullets like sesame seeds. Why hasn’t he shot it in the eye yet? Oh, another rocket down the throat. Wait, that just hit its teeth. That doesn’t count. Alright that was pretty cool overall though. The whole WWII/Aliens concept is rather fucking retarded though, you have to admit.

2:54 – Mmm, more Resistance 2 video. They’re really banking on this. Lots of scenery. No actual gameplay to be found. Sounds like a typical PS3 game to me – Hey-o!

2:56 – Little Big Planet time. I’ve never heard of this until the last few days as one of PS3’s few remaining high-ranking exclusive titles. On first glance it looks like Animal Crossing, please God no.

2:58 – User created levels. Not a bad idea. Sackboy looks like he could be the title character in a horror movie. He’s now wearing a Celtic’s jersey at Jack’s request. Sigh.

2:59 – Going through PS3’s numbers using a user created Little Big Planet level. This is pretty freaking cool actually. Fuck Animal Crossing.

3:01 – Unveiling the recent “Greatest Hits” category which includes Resistance, Assassin’s Creed, Need for Speed Carbon, and Oblivion. Shit, I thought that was Xbox exclusive. Oh well. I still have no idea what Little Big Planet is about, but it looks pretty damn cool.

3:03 – We’re talking about PS2 now, really? I loved PS2, but it’s really time to let it go. But I guess they sell tons of them still so why not milk it? For apparently 130 more titles in 2008.

3:04 – Wow, I really didn’t remember these graphics being this shitty. Guess I’ve just been assimilated into at least 720p standards.

3:07 – The Singstar series has sold 15 million copies world wide. Which leads me to my next question: What the hell is Singstar?

3:09 – Now we’re talking about Playstation Network. Let’s see if they top the new Xbox live features. Hahahahahaha, what am I talking about? They just got trophies like a month ago.

3:11 – Ratchet and Clank Future: Quest for Booty. A winner in my book just because of its hilarious title. Please, please be a literal quest for booty. Digital, furry (or robotic) booty.

3:12 – Nope just typical Banjo-Kazooie style gameplay. Apparently Clank is missing. Oh noes! Whatever, the first half hour of this conference is already 30,000 times better than Nintendo’s entire thing. But can’t touch Microsoft…yet.

3:15 – Showing a bunch of PS Network games. Best one by far is Fat Princess, a bloody cartoon game where you defend said fat princess. Flower is tripping me out. It’s a game about wind and grass and petals and shit.

3:17 – GT Prologue TV. Watching racing shows on PS3? I guess? Yeah that’s exactly what it is. Top Gear is amazing though. But how about, I dunno, Grand Turismo 5?

3:19 – Yeah I don’t really think the audience gives a shit about this. Let’s see games.

3:20 – Ah, here we go with trophies. Just admit you completly ripped them off Xbox. Although Xbox needs to admit they blatantly ripped off Miis with their new little Avatars. I guess it’s all just obvious, but never said.

3:22 – Playstation Home. Yep OK, it’s more avatars. More realistic though. Kind of like The Sims, but more real. Best looking avatar setup I’ve seen so far. Makes Miis look like cartoons. Oh wait…

3:23 – Downloadable movies and shows. Really, Sony Pictures is onboard? Who would have thought?

3:25 – Yeah this is more or less the same as Xbox’s set up, download movies and shows on the spot, etc etc. On a related note, the Nintendo Wii can’t even play DVDs.

Ed. note – This is going pretty well overall. I don’t really like PS3, but I have no complaints. Need to see a GOW III demo though before this is over. Sony wins for “Least Campy Press Conference” for sure.

3:29 – You can put the downloaded movies on your PSP. Sounds cool but I bet you will actually use it once ever. Maybe camping out for PS4?

3:30 – Eck, now we’re talking about PSP. I’ve always had mixed feelings about it. It’s… good, I guess, I dunno. Nothing will ever top the original Pokemon for Gameboy.

3:32 – New PSP entertainment pack, courtesy of Ratchet and Clank. Rejoice! I’m just realizing that Ratchet and Clank and Jak and Daxter are two different franchises.

3:33 – New Resistance game for PSP. Good idea. Pretty sharp for PSP graphics.

3:35 – God, more PSP stuff. Really long video showing Force Unleashed, Madden 09, Loco Roco 2, NBA 09, Super Stardust, ahhh I give up keeping track.

3:39 – Record stuff from MLB The Show and put it online. Cool?

3:42 – DC Universe oOline. Could be alright, let’s see.

3:44 You can be a villain and help Arkham inmates escape and attack the Batcave? That’s pretty awesome. Video looks pretty damn cool as well. Bravo, bravo.

3:48 – Bragging about graphics. Forcing publishers say they like developing for the PS3 at gunpoint. Where the $#%)(#$& is my GOW III demo? It’s getting late!

3:51 – This is pretty ridiculous. Just all sorts of talking points about the PS3’s “massive power.” Yes the PS3 has awesome graphics, but let’s get past that already.

3:53 – New PS3 games lineup. Do or die time.

3:54 – Little Big Planet, Motor Storm Pacific Something, MGS, Quantum of Solace, Socom Navy Seals, Ghostbusters (Hell yeah), Soul Calibur IV (double hell yeah), Resistance 2, the Agency, Naruto Ultimate Ninja Storm, Mirror’s Edge, Resident Evil 5, Singstar, Guitar Hero World Tour, NBA 09, Buzz Quiz TV, Killzone 2. WHERE THE HELL IS GOD OF WAR III?

3:56 – Yesssssssssss. He heard me. God of War III trailer. Shhhh.

3:57 – The definition of a “teaser.” No gameplay, just a voiceovered cutscene. Sigh. Disappointing.

3:58 – New game, Infamous. “Be a hero or anti-hero.” You mean villain? The main guy can shoot lightning. Innovative? Meh.

3:59 – One final title, let’s freaking have it. Massive Action Game (MAG), is that really the title? 256 players online fighting. At once? Seriously? Wow. Color me impressed. Good people are squad leaders, ordering shittier players around. I forsee problems with that setup.

4:02 – Trailer. Wow. Amazing. It’s a huge war with literally 256 individual players fighting onscreen. I’m sure that the video was a cutscene, but if the game’s even close it’ll be epic. Not a bad stab at redemption Sony, not bad at all.

4:04 – About on par with Microsoft, considering games like Fallout 3 and Resident Evil 5 are for both platforms. A million percent better than Nintendo, and really, zero moments of cheesiness, which is damn impressive for one of these conferences. Microsoft wins though for their FFXIII announcement, and Sony loses for no GOW III gameplay footage.

Liveblogging the Nintendo E3 Press Conference

12:05 – Nintendo video showing smiling people playing Wii and DS of all races and ages. I’m going to throw up it’s so inspiring

12:08 – Crazy intense Nintendo lady starts talking about her kids and snowboarding. She’s completel freaking me out.

12:10 – Oh it’s leading into some snowboarding game because Shaun White just showed up.

12:11 – Shaun White sucks at virtual snowboarding. Now he’s giving her virtual tips. She keeps yelping like a puppy. This could be the most awkward thing I’ve seen at E3 so far. This lady must to die. Don’t they realize their audience is a bunch of cynical video game journalists? Why do these things have to be insanely campy?

12:14 – Nintendo president talking about a paradigm shift in video games. Yeah, a paradigm shift towards shitty mass marketing games that barely classify as “games.” Whatever ,whatever, I’ll be patient and see what they have.

12:16 – What is the paradigm shift? 1) “Evergreen” games that sell for long periods of time (Nintendogs…sigh). 2) People don’t need good graphics anymore. I think that’s the next point he’s making. Fuck that. Wii graphics look worse than PS2 most of the time. ) And finally, the video game market was too limited. Here we go with the all-inclusiveness of the Wii. Yeah it’s great more people are playing, but they should be playing better games than “Wii Sports.”

12:19 – Bragging about sales numbers. Yeah, they are pretty ridiculous, I’ll give them that.

12:23 – New Animal Crossing game. I’ve never actually played them but they look absolutely ridiculous. It’s like a cartoonish version of The Sims but with animals? I’m not sure. There are no goals? How does this work?

12:25 – The trippy fire hydrant auctioneer is freaking me out.

12:26 – Mmm, “Wiispeak” some sort of room-microphone. If the quality as good as it sounds in the video, that’s amazing. But I’m going to go ahead and be highly skeptical.

12:27 – I don’t understand why this game exists. This is pretty much everything I hate about Nintendo in one place.

12:28 – More bragging about sales numbers. Yeah, yeah, we got it, you’re amazing.

12:29 – Seriously, that many people own a DS? 20 million? That’s absurd. PSP does suck, so it has that going for it.

12:31 – The Pokemon series has sold 180 million units worldwide. I mean I know there’s like 400 Pokemon games, but that’s nuts.

12:33 – Still talking about sales numbers. I guess that’s their number one accomplishment (as opposed to making good games), so they might as well beat it to death.

Ed. note – Clearly I’m not a huge fan of the Wii. But that being said, I love games like Mario Galaxy, Smash Bros. Brawl, and Mario Kart Wii. However, those have nothing to do with “motion-sensing” bullshit and I hate how every other Wii game is a shitty collection of minigames. I’m also afraid that Wii’s absurd sales numbers is going to make Xbox and PS make motion sensing controls just to fit in.

12:38 – Short videos of people playing Star Wars: Clone Wars, Call of Duty World at War. Looks, eh, OK I suppose. I really would just rather use a controller than pointing my Wiimote like a gun.

12:41 – Nooo, the crazy lady is back. Guitar Hero On Tour for the DS looks innovative, I’ll give it that. But can you really be blaring this music out in public, or looking like a jackass wearing headphones and rocking out.

12:42 – Spore has always intrigued me. Kind of like Pokemon with less violence. But therefore less fun I suppose.

12:44 – Hahahaha, Grand Theft Auto: Chinatown Wars for DS. That’s hilarious. Good work Nintendo, a real damn video game.

12:45 – “What if DS and airtravel come together?” What? Can you pilot the plane? That would be awesome. Oh, find out where to get your luggage and your next gate. Also, check box scores on your DS and order sushi in Seattle. Practical?

12:46 – DS as a cookbook. Hooray! I want to punch this lady.

12:47 – Ah, the super precision motion-sensing thing. That’s a very good thing, the motion controls are pretty atrocious at the moment. What’s the demo game going to be?

12:48 – Wii Sports Resort. Shuffleboard? Oh God, “the cutest game you have ever seen,” something called Disc Dog. Throw your dog a Frisbee. My roommate’s girlfriend is going to love this. Why do they pick the lady who sucks ass at video games to demo all this stuff?

12:49 – Latino guy is palying what appears to be Wave Race with Miis. Looks actually pretty fun. He sucks at it too though. They’re blaming their suckitude on the “preciseness” of the new controller.

12:51 – Sword dueling, hell yes. This better be awesome.

12:52 – Kind of humorous. Would be a lot better if it wasn’t cartoon Miis bashing each other with colored wooden sticks. The 1:1 movement looks pretty good though. Now they need to just put it into a good game.

12:54 – Closing number. This better be fucking amazing to redeem a pretty shitty press conference. FFXIII for Wiiiiiiii!!!! Just kidding

12:55 - FFXIII for Wiiiiiiii!!!! Just kidding. But suck it Sony.

12:56 – Wii drumming. I’m assuming the guy they have doing this is a professional drummer, and he’s only halfway decent. He looks like he’s having a seizure.

12:57 – Wii saxaphoning. Oh OK, the game is called Wii Music. He’s playing the Wiimote like a recorder. I’m not sure if this is an actual game or if you just kind of dick around with all the instruments.

12:58 – Hey it’s Miyamoto playing the sax! I knew he’d show up eventually. The purpose of the game is for people who suck at music to be able to play anyways. Kind of the same philosophy behind Wii Sports. You can pretty much just mash buttons and the game makes it not sound like shit. Hooray! The philosophy behind most new Nintendo games.

1:01 - Seriously, this is the last thing, no major franchise characters with any new titles? Terrrrrrrible press conference. But that won’t stop Nintendo from doubling their Wii and DS sales tomorrow.