August 2008
1 post
REVIEW: Pineapple Express
Great Expectations
Yeah, I didn’t see this coming either.
No one wanted Pineapple Express to be great more than me. Ever since I heard the casting of Seth Rogen and James Franco in a “stoner-action-comedy” I was sold, and when the trailer debuted? Every line and dance move was hilarious, and was only amplified by the most appropriate song choice in trailer history, M.I.A.’s Paper...
July 2008
17 posts
REVIEW: Soul Calibur IV
Blades of Glory
“Can’t….move….too much….armor.”
I remember my very first experience with the Soul Calibur series way back when I was ten. The game was called Soul Blade in those days and it was an arcade game at Total Soccer Arena in Wixom. I had just finished an indoor game when I happened to glance over at two kids playing it. In that brief moment walking...
Johnny Depp in Next Tim Burton Film? You Don't...
He won’t even need a new costume.
In a bit of interesting, yet completely unsurprising casting news, it’s now rumored that Johnny Depp is being cast as the Mad Hatter in Tim Burton’s live action Alice in Wonderland adaptation. While the casting choice is about as predictable as the sun coming up tomorrow, it should be a fun role for him nonetheless.
I’m actually a bit...
"Max Payne" Poster Surprisingly Cool
Dude this is no time to find enlightenment, there’s an angry angel behind you.
Now I don’t normally comment on movie posters, but I was particularly struck by this Max Payne teaser. I’m still not really sold on the movie itself, making my judgement from its bullet-time-tastic trailer. Despite not really having anything to do with the video game, I like the whole supernatural...
"Top Gun 2" Rumored, Idea is Both Dangerous and...
“Hey wouldn’t it suck if in twenty years I got fat and you went crazy?”
So this is some news that set a few sirens going off in my head. Apparently some studio thinks its a great idea to finally make a sequel to the homo-erotic masterpiece that is Top Gun. This is a dangerous proposition, but not completely out of the question I suppose, but here’s the rub: Tom Cruise is...
REVIEW: The Dark Knight
Great Expectations
Immortal.
This is probably going to be one of the hardest reviews I’ve ever written. Through my many adventures writing about film, I’ve found that there’s an inverse relationship between the quality of a movie and the ease of which the review is written. I like nothing better than to rip through a shitty horror movie like a hurricane, but when I find a movie that I really,...
Amy Poehler to Star in "Office" Spinoff
A t-shirt with a halter top? Hilarious!
I can’t tell if I want to put this into the “good” or “bad” news category because I don’t think it’s as simple as all that. Amy Poehler, or the only person you still recognize from SNL, has been cast to supposedly star in the new Office spinoff.
Really, I can take or leave Amy Poehler. She’s done humorous...
Liveblogging the Sony E3 Press Conference
2:37 – Sony video opens with a first person shooter of some sort. That means this is already better than Nintendo’s entire press conference.
2:38 – Jack Tretton, first video game executive introduced not accompanied by some sort of avatar of himself.
2:40 – Yes, Kratos shoutout. Hopefully that means we get at GOW III demo.
2:42 – Touting Blu-ray as the “wave of the future.” I know it won the...
Liveblogging the Nintendo E3 Press Conference
12:05 – Nintendo video showing smiling people playing Wii and DS of all races and ages. I’m going to throw up it’s so inspiring
12:08 – Crazy intense Nintendo lady starts talking about her kids and snowboarding. She’s completel freaking me out.
12:10 – Oh it’s leading into some snowboarding game because Shaun White just showed up.
12:11 – Shaun White sucks at virtual snowboarding. Now he’s...
"Final Fantasy XIII" for Xbox 360!?
Seriously.
I’ve never really followed E3 religiously. I usually just read about it in next month’s Game Informer, but seeing as I’m sitting around with not much to do, I thought I’d turn on Microsoft’s live on conference on G4. Boy am I glad I did.
This is probably one of the most earthshattering video game announcements in recent memory: Square Enix’s Final...
"Max Payne" Trailer Not the Worst Thing Ever
Watch it here.
Great Mark, but try to look more constipated.
The new trailer for the Max Payne movie has just debuted, and I’m happy to say it exceeds expectations. There has yet to be a solidly “good” video game to movie adaptation, which is why those behind the new Max Payne film appear to be pretending like they’re adapting it from a graphic novel. The shots in the...
Xbox 360 Jumping on Motion-Sensor Bandwagon?...
Yes, that’s exactly how ridiculous you look doing it. Orange feathers and all.
Well this is disturbing. Since the Wii has sold so many units that Nintendo employees now wallpaper their house with money, everyone has decided that motion sensing gaming is the new way to go. This is despite the fact that the Wii has one (mildly) entertaining game that uses the motion sensor (Wii Sports) and...
Even the Previews Before "The Dark Knight" to be...
Yes.
So blah blah blah The Dark Knight is going to cause Armaggeddon with it’s awesomeness, but apparently, even before the film starts rolling, audiences should be in for a treat. Three much anticipated new trailers are debuting before the film, and chances are you’ve been waiting to see them for awhile. Or at least will be once I tell you about them.
Terminator Salvation - Yeah...
New "Fable 2" Screenshots Look Well, Pretty...
Check out the gallery here.
Oh no! It’s a…green…radioactive…goblin…ghost…skeleton. Yeah.
So the original Fable on Xbox was something of a let down. It promised open world exploration and total free will, but what we got was a main character with the inability to climb wooden fences and the capacity to choose between being a horned spawn of Satan and Dudley...
"Guitar Hero" God 100%'s "Through the Fire and the...
Watch the video here.
“So far awaaaaaaay!”
On first glance, it’s easy to make fun of a kid who has put in the hours (days, weeks) required to achieve such an impossible task as hitting every single note (out of 3,722) in Guitar Hero III’s most notorious song. Yes, he probably unlocked the “Go Outside” achievement on Xbox 360 after doing so and will probably...
REVIEW: Hancock
Half-cocked
“Yeah, I’ll find your puppy, when you find me some bourbon.”
Hancock was a movie designed to be fail-proof. It’s a big budget action-comedy released on 4th of July weekend starring the one and only Will Smith, which alone is enough to make the film double its budget. But Hancock also benefits from a brilliant supporting cast including Arrested Development alum Jason...
"Resident Evil 4," Because Why the Hell Not?
Worth the ticket price alone.
So Resident Evil has the distinct honor of being possibly the best video game movie ever made. But that’s kind of like saying that The Hot Chick is the best Rob Schneider movie ever made. That means it’s kind of mixed news that Paul W. S. Anderson is thinking about making a fourth movie in the series. Sure Milla Jovovich will look hot kicking zombie...
June 2008
21 posts
"Quantum of Solace" Trailer a Quantum of Ass...
Who needs water in the desert when you have an assault rifle?
So at long last, the Quantum of Solace trailer has finally made it’s debut. But unlike previous Bond movies, this new film seems to be doing something different from almost all of it’s predecessors, it’s remembering what happened in the last film.
Most Bond girls are thrown away by the double-0 agent at the end of...
3 tags
REVIEW: Wanted
A Bloody Good Time
“Stop looking up my skirt and drive!”
Wanted is a strange case indeed, and the conundrum is demonstrated most clearly in the pulse-pounding trailer. At first it seems to be a straight Matrix rip-off, coming a few years too late, with a bit of Smokin’ Aces thrown in for good measure. There’s slow-motion bullet time, there’s obscenely impossible chase sequences and it...
3 tags
"Diablo 3" Announced, Told You So
About damn time.
So a few days ago I told you about the Blizzard splash screen that was causing fans to speculate what the company’s next big announcement would be. Well, it’s Diablo III and I think I speak for everyone when I say “Hallelujah, not another World of Warcraft expansion.”
Alright, first things first. Check out the screenshot gallery over on Joystiq which...
3 tags
"The Host 2" Coming Since Monsters Never Actually...
“And you all laughed when I took ten years of archery lessons!”
Have you seen The Host? Think Cloverfield minus J.J. Abrahm’s involvment, which equals a clear message, a cohesive plot and no shaky cam. The Korean film tackled the issues of pollution, disaster and government response in a low-budget monster movie that redefined the genre.
And because the movie was such a...
Kratos in "Soul Calibur IV"?
Cheer up man, you’re a video game legend now.
Rumor has it that everyone’s favorite disgrunteled God of War, Kratos, is the latest addition to an already bizzare cast of bonus Soul Calibur IV characters. Though it currently stands as just a rumor, it’s easy to see how the Ghost of Sparta could fit into the SC lineup with his wicked flaming swords-on-chains and his distaste for...
Steve Carrell Signs On for Three More Years of...
You write down a number…and slide it over to me on the table. That’s how these things work.
I heard this from Perez Hilton of all places, but apparently Ricky Gervais is reporting on his blog that Steve Carrell has just penned a contract with NBC that says he’ll be Regional Manager of Dunder Mifflin Scranton for at least the next three years. Upon hearing this news I breathed...
"Halo 3" Players Kill Earth's Entire Population
Another one bites the dust.
Over on Bungie forums, an observant gamer has pointed out that the total killcount in Halo 3 now exceeds earth’s entire population:
- USNC Campaign Kill Count: 6,768,772,806
- World Population Estimate: 6,705,847,789
Damn. I’m not exactly sure what this means, but I’m pretty ceratin it has to do with the impending apocalypse of all mankind.
...
REVIEW: Devil May Cry 4
If Swan Lake had Swords
“Call me ‘kid’…one more time.”
It’s been seven years since the first Devil May Cry introduced us to a man-demon named Dante wielding both pistols and a broadsword. Since then, the franchise has revolutionized combat in action games, and has spawned numerous successful copycats, most notably the award-winning God of War franchise. After a...
New Blizzard Splash Screen Mystifies
It’s so….pretty….must….touch
This is the current splash page when you go to Blizzard.com. What is it, exactly? That remains to be seen, but some are speculating that it’s an announcment for Starcraft II, Diablo III, or World of Warcraft Collector’s Edition. Dear God please don’t be that last one.
We all know that Starcraft II is coming out reasonably...
Thomas Jane Really, Really Wants to Be Jonah Hex
Crystal Meth addiction was heartbreaking in the Old West as well.
This is a photo that’s been circulating around the web for a few days now, causing speculation that Tom Jane of Punisher fame (rhyme!) had been cast as DC Comic’s disfigured cowboy Jonah Hex in the upcoming film. The reality? Turns out Tommy is just a fanboy like the rest of us.
“Yeah, the pic is real all right...
REVIEW: The Incredible Hulk
Maybe Third Time’s the Charm
“Hulk smash puny critics!”
The Hulk has had it pretty rough. Not only is he a giant green monster who can’t find a 10-XL shirt to save his life, but now he has not one, but two terrible movies chronicling his heroics and failings. Ang Lee’s cartoonish Hulk was widely acclaimed to be a disaster, but now its remake/sequel The Incredible Hulk might in...
"Dark Knight" MySpace Page Offers Sweepstakes,...
Forward this to ten people or the Joker will slit your throat at midnight.
I forgot that people used MySpace about a month or so after I deleted my account. Apparently one of my friends who looked like a hot chick, but was really an evil robot from the future hijacked my account and started posting spam on all my friends walls asking if they wanted to “enlarge” themselves. They in...
New "Halo Wars" Screenshots Make You Ask "Why?"
Wow, that looks so…well, pretty terrible actually.
I’m not exactly sure why Halo felt like it had to try and go make a Starcraft game. Maybe one day they looked around and realized they had completely ripped off the three races of Starcraft (Terran/Human, Protross/Covenant, Zerg/Flood) and they just decided to run with it.
In any case, this screenshot gallery looks pretty shitty...
"Ong Bak 2" Trailer Will Unsurprisingly Kick Your...
Watch it here.
Now I know how to write “Ong Bak” in Thai. I’m sure that’ll come in handy.
So this is the first trailer for Ong Bak 2, and it looks insanely sweet as expected. The film looks to move beyond just Muai Thai fighting (as cool as it is) and expand into all styles, as the hero of the movie is said to be “the one” to “combine all martial arts styles into one.”...
REVIEW: The Happening
Astonishingly Bad, Epically Awful, Truly Terrible
This guy got off easy, you actually have to watch this thing.
It’s about forty-five minutes into “The Happening,” when you’re watching a man get his arms ripped off by lions on an iPhone, that the realization occurs to you: You’re watching one of the worst movies ever made. It’s almost a beautiful moment of enlightenment, that now you can release...
Lost "Indy 4" Script Unearthed, More Marion, Less...
“Don’t give me that look, you almost weren’t even in this movie.”
Now I’ve already stated that I thought Crystal Skull was a perfectly acceptable fourth installment in the Indy series, and that people need to stop bitching, but this latest bit of news is interesting nonetheless.
The script by Frank Darabont (Shawkshank, Green Mile) that was approved by Harrison...
"Punisher: War Zone" Trailer a Bloody Mess
Watch it here.
“Raaargh!! Who ran my skull shirt through the wash too many times?!”
So “Punisher: War Zone” has always been highly suspect, seeing that it has neither the direction, writing or star of the 2004 film. I actually liked that, despite the odd dancing numbers and Travolta being the lamest villain in comic book history. Tom Jane was a badass from head to toe,...
New "Street Fighter" Movie to be Ryu and Ken-less
I know I should post a picture of the missing duo, but Kristen Kreuk wins against two dudes in ripped robes every time.
This is rather disturbing news, if you’re one of the three people who actually has hope for the upcoming Street Fighter movie. According to the producers, the film, which focuses mainly on Chun-Li (played with uncharactaristic hotness by Smallville’s Kristen...
"Jay and Seth vs. the Apocalypse" Trailer Already...
“Hey remember that time Fox told us to fuck off, and now we’re all rich and famous?”
Alright, so I loved Freaks and Geeks and Undeclared way back in the day, but I have to say, I never looked at dough-boy Seth Rogen and said, “Yes, that guy is going to be a star.” But obviously now, we’ve all been proven wrong ever since his goofy mug graced the green...
"Call of Duty" Retreating Back to WWII
The ever popular “human shield” method of defense employed by the Allies in World War II
Just when it looked like the Call of Duty franchise was making an epic turn into greatness by bringing the series into modern times, they had to go and do this. That’s right, Treyarch is pulling a U-turn and hauling the series back to the bowels of World War II. The game will take place on...
REVIEW: Mario Kart Wii
Warning: Controller Hurling Ahead
Scene from “The Fast and the Furious: Mushroom Kingdom”
Don’t mess with success. That’s the formula that has kept Nintendo afloat since 1983, watching its competitors in the video game industry drop like flies over the years. They know what it is to create a great game, and then slowly improve it over time. The “Mario Kart” franchise is no...
May 2008
6 posts
REVIEW: The Strangers
Because Masks are Scary It’s like “Where’s Waldo,” but when you find him you die. “The Strangers” tells the sordid tale of two lovers hunted by masked hoodlums in a remote cabin in the woods. As the frantic victims confront their attackers, asking why they had chosen to torment them, they’re answered with the head-scratching reply of “because you were home.” Oh, well,...
REVIEW: Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the...
A Whip-Roaring Good Time What more do you need? Aliens. That’s the “spoiler” which has made the new Indiana Jones one of the most polarizing movies to be released in some time. A plot long kept secret, a script undergoing an absurd amount of rewrites, and one aging hero, the fourth Indiana Jones was a gamble for its creators, Steven Spielberg and George Lucas. And with all the hype,...
REVIEW VAULT: Hellboy
Playing with Fire “Your head would look great on a spit…I mean I love you.” Hellboy has had a rough life. After crawling out of an interdimensional portal to hell created by Nazi sorcerers during World War II (your first clue not to try to overthink this movie), he was raised in isolation by a British scientist and routinely called upon to kill more bizarre supernatural...
REVIEW: Grand Theft Auto IV
Criminally Good “Tell me my tie is ugly again.” I find myself unconsciously slipping into a Russian accent sometimes. Every time I see a taxi on the street, I want to get in and teleport to my destination, whenever I see a police car, I want to turn tail and run. That’s how much I’ve become invested in “Grand Theft Auto IV.” What’s it been so far? Twenty hours, thirty? Whatever the...
Warner Bros. Lies to Cover Speed Racer's Ass
Because making up numbers is easy! Victory! But not at the box office… It’s well known by now that Speed Racer has bombed at the box office, but now new details are emerging that Warner Bros. shuffled around the numbers to say the film debuted in second, rather than third behind Ashton Kutcher’s Just Married What Happens in Vegas. The studio said Speed and his rainbow colored cronies made...
REVIEW: Speed Racer
Dazed and Confused “GO GO GO GO GO” The release of Speed Racer is something of a demographic mystery. Despite a PG rating, it’s clearly not a kid’s movie, as the convoluted and complex plot will have children scratching their heads and only laughing every time a monkey appears on the screen. Their parents will hate it as they will undoubtedly want to vomit ten minutes into the film...
