U N R E A L I T Y

REVIEW: Pineapple Express

Thu, 14 Aug 2008 11:30:00 -0400

Great Expectations

Yeah, I didn’t see this coming either.

No one wanted Pineapple Express to be great more than me. Ever since I heard the casting of Seth Rogen and James Franco in a “stoner-action-comedy” I was sold, and when the trailer debuted? Every line and dance move was hilarious, and was only amplified by the most appropriate song choice in trailer history, M.I.A.’s Paper Planes.

But now, after viewing, I’m sad to say that Pineapple Express is the most disappointing movie since Spiderman 3. Though there are humorous moments, the entire project comes across as just purely lazy. The comedy drifts away from the heart-and-soul smartness of Superbad or Knocked Up and delves headfirst into slapstick and cheese.

I understand that the movie is meant to be a stoner flick, but that doesn’t mean you should have to be skyscraper high to enjoy it. And sober as I was in the theater, I found myself merely grinning at jokes that are meant to have you on the floor laughing. It’s a classic case of “all the funny parts are in the trailers” with very little saved for the actual movie. This isn’t usually the case in a Rogen-written, Apatow-produced film, as they usually have more than enough wit to fill an entire script, but it seems they might have been smoking a little too much this time around.

The cast is another looming problem for Express, with the exception of a dumbfoundingly brilliant James Franco as Seth Rogen’s perma-stoned dealer Saul, every other character is either inherently dislikeable, completely one dimensional, or both. Rogen, as process server Dale Denton, is almost a complete character, but more often than not you’ll be thinking, “Man this guy’s kind of a huge asshole.” He’s a slacker yes, but not like the chubby, loveable goof he was in Knocked Up.

The rest of the cast might as well be cardboard cutouts. Saul’s supplier Red (played by an infantile Danny McBride) could be a semi-retarded character out of Napoleon Dynamite and his stupidly slapstick ability to sustain mortal injury is directly taken from Austin Powers. Gary Cole plays a vicious drug lord, but the role could have been filled by anyone who knows how to yell. Rosie Perez, Kevin Corrigan and Craig Robinson fill out the hit squad roster, but do little more than constantly bitch and have an unquenchable need to pistol whip people. The whole enemy ensemble could pretty much be taken out of an episode of Magnum P.I. as the characters have the same amount of depth.

Another of the film’s flaws is the hammering to death of the “bro-mance” formula which apparently reached it peak in Superbad. But unlike that film, which featured high schoolers talking and acting exactly like high schoolers, this film isn’t grounded in reality in the least, and therefore forfeit’s most of its “emotion” cards at the door. Saul and Dale become friends. Bad things happen. Dale yells at Saul even though nothing’s his fault. Saul leaves and gets kidnapped. Dale saves him and everyone is BFFs (they literally use that phrase 30 times in the last 10 minutes). Is it really obligatory to have a plot arc like this, which has been used in every single buddy story since Bert first bitched out Ernie on Sesame Street?

I understand that making a buddy action comedy is fairly difficult to pull off effectively if Jackie Chan is not involved. But the amount of laziness present in Pineapple Express is especially frustrating, given the high expectations set by possibly the greatest comedic trailer of the last decade. It’s reasonable to assume that some Apatow projects like Talladega Nights and Drillbit Taylor aren’t going to be gold, but this movie looked to be in the tradition of 40 Year Old Virgin. Unfortunately, it’s just another dumb stoner (or dumb action) flick that you’ll see on Comedy Central at 4 PM on a Wednesday. But hey, at least you might be stoned.

2 out of 5 stars

At least we’ll always have the trailer.

“Thug life!”

REVIEW: Soul Calibur IV

Thu, 31 Jul 2008 15:58:00 -0400

Blades of Glory

“Can’t….move….too much….armor.”

I remember my very first experience with the Soul Calibur series way back when I was ten. The game was called Soul Blade in those days and it was an arcade game at Total Soccer Arena in Wixom. I had just finished an indoor game when I happened to glance over at two kids playing it. In that brief moment walking towards the door, I saw a barrel chested man dressed in fur jam an enormous ax into the skull of a large-chested ninja. I was hooked.

It’s the weapons combat that’s been the most appealing aspect of the Soul series. Mortal Kombat has its absurd blood fountains, Street Fighter has its hadouken anime action and Tekken has well, punching and kicking. Soul Calibur however, has an incredibly diverse selection of weapons, some of which I’m pretty sure don’t even exist in real life (the ring blade? Really?). Now in its fourth iteration, the new Soul Calibur is definitely one of the most polished fighting games out there, but that doesn’t mean it still isn’t a bit of a disappointment.

Soul Calibur IV has a lot of things going for it. The franchise at this point is so well established that we’ve grown to love all of the blade-slinging characters like they’re our actual friends, and it’s a pleasure to see them rendered beautifully on either system. The texture, the detail, is absolutely stunning, and of course Soul Calibur has the best boob-bouncing engine this side of Dead or Alive Beach Volleyball.

Not just content with looking pretty, the game also has some of the best combat mechanics of any fighting series out there. It actually feels like you’re hitting someone when you hit them, and there are significantly less physics slip-ups than in previous games. And as always, some of the grabs are downright cringe-inducing (Zasalamel’s guillotine? Ouch). But Soul Calibur’s elaborate gameplay is also one of its downfalls. Why? It’s the most complicated and intensive damn combat system ever created.

Each character has literally hundreds and hundreds of moves, courtesy of four buttons combined with eight directional movements (both with varying levels of pressure sensitivity) which results in a virtually unlimited supply of potential pairings, 90% of which will never actually see the battlefield. There’s no doubt that Soul Calibur is a hardcore fighting gamer’s dream, but for the less intense player? It’s just way too much to keep track of.

Hilde…a girl? Wearing armor? Ridiculous!

This concentration on an infinite supply of moves has left the game lacking severely in other areas. The last few games in the Soul series have had attempts at a “story” or “adventure” mode each with varying success, but IV definitely has the worst yet. The “story” mode, if you can call it that, for each character is stupidly shallow, with a Star Wars style scrolling text intro, and an end cutscene about thirty seconds long with a bit of Chinese fortune cookie advice thrown in at the end (“The clouds scatter with the wind, but his soul will never be scattered like the clouds”). And in between? A meager five rounds of battle with little to no character interaction. It’s horribly depressing to see a once in depth storyline fall to this, although it does make beating the game with every character easily accomplishable in the span of a day.

The new mode that most players with be tackling instead is “tower mode” in which a player ascends (or descends) different levels of the tower, fighting baddies with an assembled super team of fighters, complete with upgradeable equipment and weapons. Wait, what’s that? There’s upgradeable equipment and weapons now? Yes, that’s right, but the system to do so is so convoluted that you’ll be tearing your hair out to get the upgrades you want.

This leads into a discussion of the newly implemented character customization system. The system itself is gorgeous and surprisingly deep. You can make your own stunning characters that look as good as any already in the game, hell, I even made the Joker with a little creativity (and Taki’s knife skills). The problem is, each specific piece of clothing has it’s own skill values, like power, impact, gauge (HP), and special. So if you’re trying to build a specific type of fighter, chances are you’re going to be throwing together a mishmash of random items in order to get the skills you want. Don’t think you’re massive hulking ax man looks good in a top hat? Well that’s too bad since you need that extra +5 Gauge in order to use your HP Drain move. It takes all the fun out of it when you design a character looking exactly the way you want, but then they end up starting with half the life of a regular fighter because you didn’t want to load them up with ten tons of armor plating.

Soul Calibur IV is disappointing simply because of the high standards I have for the series. It took forever to get here, and now that it has, you would think they would have put a little more thought into it than they did. It’s still a great fighting gaming, but begins to be exhausting right about the time you’re at the thirtieth floor of the tower. I wish I had the heart to memorize a book full of moves to beat it, but really, I just want to play a game.

3.5 out of 5 stars

Ivy shows Hilde how it’s done. And no, despite what you think, those are not her weapons.

Johnny Depp in Next Tim Burton Film? You Don't Say...

Tue, 29 Jul 2008 14:51:04 -0400

He won’t even need a new costume.

In a bit of interesting, yet completely unsurprising casting news, it’s now rumored that Johnny Depp is being cast as the Mad Hatter in Tim Burton’s live action Alice in Wonderland adaptation. While the casting choice is about as predictable as the sun coming up tomorrow, it should be a fun role for him nonetheless.

I’m actually a bit pumped for Tim’s Alice since it’s an incredibly fucked up story that a lot could be done with. Just don’t turn it into another Chococlate Factory with all it’s rainbow goodness. I’d prefer the Sweeney Toddy route so let’s shoot for an “R.” Also, I’m glad that Helena Bonham Carter isn’t Alice, which is pretty unexpected given her relationship with Burton (they’re married). Instead Alice is this chick. Huh. I’ll bite I guess.

Final Thoughts: Will Ferrell as the March Hare! Just kidding…

This is the leaked trailer for X-Men Origins: Wolverine shown at...

Mon, 28 Jul 2008 16:48:00 -0400

This is the leaked trailer for X-Men Origins: Wolverine shown at Comic Con. Yeah it’s taken from a cell phone camera, but even with shitty video and audio, it still looks pretty damn sweet. Listen to the audience go nuts when Gambit shows up. I’m very much looking forward to this now, hurry up and watch before it gets taken down.

"Max Payne" Poster Surprisingly Cool

Thu, 24 Jul 2008 14:29:00 -0400

Dude this is no time to find enlightenment, there’s an angry angel behind you.

Now I don’t normally comment on movie posters, but I was particularly struck by this Max Payne teaser. I’m still not really sold on the movie itself, making my judgement from its bullet-time-tastic trailer. Despite not really having anything to do with the video game, I like the whole supernatural Angel of Death idea, because guys in black leather jackets shooting other guys in black leather jackets gets old after awhile.

Final Thoughts: Can you kill an angel with a gun? Maybe they have brimstone bullets or something. Dear God don’t let this turn into Constantine.

"Top Gun 2" Rumored, Idea is Both Dangerous and Foolish

Tue, 22 Jul 2008 17:40:00 -0400

“Hey wouldn’t it suck if in twenty years I got fat and you went crazy?”

So this is some news that set a few sirens going off in my head. Apparently some studio thinks its a great idea to finally make a sequel to the homo-erotic masterpiece that is Top Gun. This is a dangerous proposition, but not completely out of the question I suppose, but here’s the rub: Tom Cruise is being asked to pull a Harrison Ford and reprise his role as Maverick.

While Cruise isn’t quite as decrepit as Ford, (Cruise is 46, Ford is 134), the tenative plot synopsis looks to be a bit sketchy for the sequel:

“A script outline has been written, but the sequel depends on Cruise, 46, saying yes.

An insider said: “The idea is Maverick is at the Top Gun school as an instructor — and this time it is he who has to deal with a cocky new female pilot.”

So he’s an instructor eh? And there’s a cocky new female pilot? Whoa, whoa, whoa, you can’t have a female lead in a homo-erotic movie! Don’t they know that? This will ruin everything. Top Gun is all about bro-bonding and rat tailing each other in the shower. Now some girl’s gonna come and hetero everything up? Not on my watch.

Final Thoughts: You know Tom will only agree if they cast Katie Holmes as the pilot. And I’d say there’s about a 75% chance of that happening.

REVIEW: The Dark Knight

Sun, 20 Jul 2008 13:38:00 -0400

Great Expectations

Immortal.

This is probably going to be one of the hardest reviews I’ve ever written. Through my many adventures writing about film, I’ve found that there’s an inverse relationship between the quality of a movie and the ease of which the review is written. I like nothing better than to rip through a shitty horror movie like a hurricane, but when I find a movie that I really, truly love? It’s much harder to form coherent thoughts. And this is it, The Dark Knight is my movie soulmate, and it’s going to be hard to avoid rambling like a love-drunk fanboy to tell you why, but I’ll do my best.

As I’m writing this, The Dark Knight has just unseated Spiderman 3 as king of the opening weekend box office, raking in $155 million dollars in just three days. To achieve such a monumental feat requires nothing short of a perfect storm of ingredients, and the film has them all in spades. Brilliant director? Check. Oscar-worthy cast? Check. Established franchise and rabid fanbase? Double check. Hype? Triple check.

In fact, the hype is what worried fans the most. Ever since Batman Begins made its debut three years ago, the television, and more extensively, the internet, has been flooded with massive amounts promotion, sometimes almost nauseatingly so. And then with the untimely death of Heath Ledger, the hype-meter was cranked up to 11 as we all knew we were going to witness what would be a legendary post-mortem performance.

But what’s astonishing is how unprepared audiences will be for the sheer quality of the film, despite their extremely high expectations. Unlike Spiderman 3 however, which claimed to showcase a darker, edgier Spiderman and instead gave us an eye-rolling musical camp-fest, The Dark Knight delivers on all of its promises, and the final product is downright scary.

This, of course, is due to a combination of factors, one of the main ones being Christopher Nolan’s brilliant direction. He takes the plot intricacies, layers and nuances of his less commercial films like Memento and The Prestige and combines them with the explosive action of a summer blockbuster. That’s the main reason as to why the film is visually stunning, emotionally gripping, critically acclaimed and beloved by audiences to the point of insanity.

Fun fact: Matt Damon almost played Harvey Dent. I think we dodged a bullet there.

The other driving force behind the film’s pathos is a man, Heath Ledger. His portrayal of the Joker is without a doubt one of the single greatest character creations in cinema history. And with his tragic death, another layer of mystique has been added to a role that was already going to legendary. Ledger’s Joker is a completely different animal than Jack Nicholson’s dancing, singing clown in the original Batman. He’s visibly and audibly insane, and the decision to reveal nothing about his origins actually makes the character more complex. We learn that he is simply driven by the need to destroy, and though he claims he flies by the seat of his pants, his schemes are downright brilliant, and of course, overtly sadistic. Add in psychotic ticks, laughter and phrases (every one of his lines is an instant classic), and you have one of the scariest villains ever seen on film.

Though you could go on forever about the intricacies of Ledger’s Joker, he is only a part of a larger whole, an ensemble cast that give Ocean’s 11 a run for its money. There’s Gary Oldman as the valiant Lieutenant Gordon, Morgan Freeman as tech guru Lucius Fox and of course Michael Caine as the loveable Alfred. All these performances are stellar themselves, but they’re swallowed up in the massive scope of the film. Maggie Gyllenhaal proves to be an adequate replacement for Katie “Please let me out of the basement, Tom” Holmes. She’s clearly a better actress, but in terms of eye candy? I believe Ms. Holmes wins on that front.

But Rachel’s new beau is yet another character that steals the show, but unexpectedly this time as we did have a hunch that the Joker would blow us away. Aaron Eckhart’s idealistic Harvey Dent is a brilliant contrast to Bruce Wayne. Deemed the “White Knight” of Gotham, Bruce admires his ability to put criminals behind bars without wearing a mask, like his creation, the “Dark Knight,” is forced to do. He’s built up to be an incorruptible symbol of virtue, which makes his physically and morally disfiguring downfall at the hands of the Joker all the more jarring and tragic.

And finally, we have what should be the star of the show, but really, he too is only another piece of the puzzle. Christian Bale is pulling triple duty as the three faces of Batman. There’s obviously the grovelly-voiced, masked wearing superhero, who gets a great deal more screen time than in the first movie, but there’s also the Lamborghini driving, model banging billionaire playboy Bruce Wayne. But his final role, brooding Bruce Wayne, debating the morality and consequences of his actions with Alfred, is by far the most interesting to watch.

The Dark Knight is a tapestry, all of the roles are performed to perfection and woven together by the masterful Nolan into the best film of all time (well, if you believe IMDB that is). It will haunt you long after you leave the theater, and you will have an uncontrollable desire to see it over and over again. It’s a rare opportunity to witness cinema history, so be sure to catch it on the big screen while you still have the chance.

5 out of 5 stars

An absurd number of my friend’s Facebook statuses are overflowing with exuberance about “The Dark Knight.”

My favorite: “Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na Batman!”

Amy Poehler to Star in "Office" Spinoff

Thu, 17 Jul 2008 19:59:43 -0400

A t-shirt with a halter top? Hilarious!

I can’t tell if I want to put this into the “good” or “bad” news category because I don’t think it’s as simple as all that. Amy Poehler, or the only person you still recognize from SNL, has been cast to supposedly star in the new Office spinoff.

Really, I can take or leave Amy Poehler. She’s done humorous guest spots on 30 Rock and Arrested Development but I don’t think I can use the transitive property to claim that she’ll be a good star of a spinoff of my favorite show. I really wish we were getting her husband Will Arnett instead, but perhaps he’ll show up in a wacky guest cameo, hooray!

This is also good news because if Poehler is supposed to “star” that means that they don’t need to gank one of the main stars of The Office to start this spinoff, which I’ve feared from the get-go they would do. Granted this show might completely suck ass, but as long as the original Office cast remains intact, I really couldn’t care less.

Final Thoughts: Sure you can have Dwight, if you pry him from my cold dead hands.

Liveblogging the Sony E3 Press Conference

Tue, 15 Jul 2008 16:05:00 -0400

2:37 – Sony video opens with a first person shooter of some sort. That means this is already better than Nintendo’s entire press conference.

2:38 – Jack Tretton, first video game executive introduced not accompanied by some sort of avatar of himself.

2:40 – Yes, Kratos shoutout. Hopefully that means we get at GOW III demo.

2:42 – Touting Blu-ray as the “wave of the future.” I know it won the format war, but I still don’t buy it. Blu-ray movies are still like $30 each, preposterous.

2:45 – Haha, he just cited MGS4 as a “PS exclusive.” It’s funny because normally you’d list like four games there.

2:47 – PS3 has more exclusive games than any other console? I guess so, but the problem is 95% of them suck ass.

2:48 – First look at Resistance 2. Giant monster is unfazed by puny rocket launcher. Ah, except when you shoot one down its throat. I guess that makes sense. Go for the eyes, the eyes! That always works!

2:50 – Wow this person sucks at aiming. It doesn’t ever matter because this thing eats bullets like sesame seeds. Why hasn’t he shot it in the eye yet? Oh, another rocket down the throat. Wait, that just hit its teeth. That doesn’t count. Alright that was pretty cool overall though. The whole WWII/Aliens concept is rather fucking retarded though, you have to admit.

2:54 – Mmm, more Resistance 2 video. They’re really banking on this. Lots of scenery. No actual gameplay to be found. Sounds like a typical PS3 game to me – Hey-o!

2:56 – Little Big Planet time. I’ve never heard of this until the last few days as one of PS3’s few remaining high-ranking exclusive titles. On first glance it looks like Animal Crossing, please God no.

2:58 – User created levels. Not a bad idea. Sackboy looks like he could be the title character in a horror movie. He’s now wearing a Celtic’s jersey at Jack’s request. Sigh.

2:59 – Going through PS3’s numbers using a user created Little Big Planet level. This is pretty freaking cool actually. Fuck Animal Crossing.

3:01 – Unveiling the recent “Greatest Hits” category which includes Resistance, Assassin’s Creed, Need for Speed Carbon, and Oblivion. Shit, I thought that was Xbox exclusive. Oh well. I still have no idea what Little Big Planet is about, but it looks pretty damn cool.

3:03 – We’re talking about PS2 now, really? I loved PS2, but it’s really time to let it go. But I guess they sell tons of them still so why not milk it? For apparently 130 more titles in 2008.

3:04 – Wow, I really didn’t remember these graphics being this shitty. Guess I’ve just been assimilated into at least 720p standards.

3:07 – The Singstar series has sold 15 million copies world wide. Which leads me to my next question: What the hell is Singstar?

3:09 – Now we’re talking about Playstation Network. Let’s see if they top the new Xbox live features. Hahahahahaha, what am I talking about? They just got trophies like a month ago.

3:11 – Ratchet and Clank Future: Quest for Booty. A winner in my book just because of its hilarious title. Please, please be a literal quest for booty. Digital, furry (or robotic) booty.

3:12 – Nope just typical Banjo-Kazooie style gameplay. Apparently Clank is missing. Oh noes! Whatever, the first half hour of this conference is already 30,000 times better than Nintendo’s entire thing. But can’t touch Microsoft…yet.

3:15 – Showing a bunch of PS Network games. Best one by far is Fat Princess, a bloody cartoon game where you defend said fat princess. Flower is tripping me out. It’s a game about wind and grass and petals and shit.

3:17 – GT Prologue TV. Watching racing shows on PS3? I guess? Yeah that’s exactly what it is. Top Gear is amazing though. But how about, I dunno, Grand Turismo 5?

3:19 – Yeah I don’t really think the audience gives a shit about this. Let’s see games.

3:20 – Ah, here we go with trophies. Just admit you completly ripped them off Xbox. Although Xbox needs to admit they blatantly ripped off Miis with their new little Avatars. I guess it’s all just obvious, but never said.

3:22 – Playstation Home. Yep OK, it’s more avatars. More realistic though. Kind of like The Sims, but more real. Best looking avatar setup I’ve seen so far. Makes Miis look like cartoons. Oh wait…

3:23 – Downloadable movies and shows. Really, Sony Pictures is onboard? Who would have thought?

3:25 – Yeah this is more or less the same as Xbox’s set up, download movies and shows on the spot, etc etc. On a related note, the Nintendo Wii can’t even play DVDs.

Ed. note – This is going pretty well overall. I don’t really like PS3, but I have no complaints. Need to see a GOW III demo though before this is over. Sony wins for “Least Campy Press Conference” for sure.

3:29 – You can put the downloaded movies on your PSP. Sounds cool but I bet you will actually use it once ever. Maybe camping out for PS4?

3:30 – Eck, now we’re talking about PSP. I’ve always had mixed feelings about it. It’s… good, I guess, I dunno. Nothing will ever top the original Pokemon for Gameboy.

3:32 – New PSP entertainment pack, courtesy of Ratchet and Clank. Rejoice! I’m just realizing that Ratchet and Clank and Jak and Daxter are two different franchises.

3:33 – New Resistance game for PSP. Good idea. Pretty sharp for PSP graphics.

3:35 – God, more PSP stuff. Really long video showing Force Unleashed, Madden 09, Loco Roco 2, NBA 09, Super Stardust, ahhh I give up keeping track.

3:39 – Record stuff from MLB The Show and put it online. Cool?

3:42 – DC Universe oOline. Could be alright, let’s see.

3:44 You can be a villain and help Arkham inmates escape and attack the Batcave? That’s pretty awesome. Video looks pretty damn cool as well. Bravo, bravo.

3:48 – Bragging about graphics. Forcing publishers say they like developing for the PS3 at gunpoint. Where the $#%)(#$& is my GOW III demo? It’s getting late!

3:51 – This is pretty ridiculous. Just all sorts of talking points about the PS3’s “massive power.” Yes the PS3 has awesome graphics, but let’s get past that already.

3:53 – New PS3 games lineup. Do or die time.

3:54 – Little Big Planet, Motor Storm Pacific Something, MGS, Quantum of Solace, Socom Navy Seals, Ghostbusters (Hell yeah), Soul Calibur IV (double hell yeah), Resistance 2, the Agency, Naruto Ultimate Ninja Storm, Mirror’s Edge, Resident Evil 5, Singstar, Guitar Hero World Tour, NBA 09, Buzz Quiz TV, Killzone 2. WHERE THE HELL IS GOD OF WAR III?

3:56 – Yesssssssssss. He heard me. God of War III trailer. Shhhh.

3:57 – The definition of a “teaser.” No gameplay, just a voiceovered cutscene. Sigh. Disappointing.

3:58 – New game, Infamous. “Be a hero or anti-hero.” You mean villain? The main guy can shoot lightning. Innovative? Meh.

3:59 – One final title, let’s freaking have it. Massive Action Game (MAG), is that really the title? 256 players online fighting. At once? Seriously? Wow. Color me impressed. Good people are squad leaders, ordering shittier players around. I forsee problems with that setup.

4:02 – Trailer. Wow. Amazing. It’s a huge war with literally 256 individual players fighting onscreen. I’m sure that the video was a cutscene, but if the game’s even close it’ll be epic. Not a bad stab at redemption Sony, not bad at all.

4:04 – About on par with Microsoft, considering games like Fallout 3 and Resident Evil 5 are for both platforms. A million percent better than Nintendo, and really, zero moments of cheesiness, which is damn impressive for one of these conferences. Microsoft wins though for their FFXIII announcement, and Sony loses for no GOW III gameplay footage.

Liveblogging the Nintendo E3 Press Conference

Tue, 15 Jul 2008 13:04:00 -0400

12:05 – Nintendo video showing smiling people playing Wii and DS of all races and ages. I’m going to throw up it’s so inspiring

12:08 – Crazy intense Nintendo lady starts talking about her kids and snowboarding. She’s completel freaking me out.

12:10 – Oh it’s leading into some snowboarding game because Shaun White just showed up.

12:11 – Shaun White sucks at virtual snowboarding. Now he’s giving her virtual tips. She keeps yelping like a puppy. This could be the most awkward thing I’ve seen at E3 so far. This lady must to die. Don’t they realize their audience is a bunch of cynical video game journalists? Why do these things have to be insanely campy?

12:14 – Nintendo president talking about a paradigm shift in video games. Yeah, a paradigm shift towards shitty mass marketing games that barely classify as “games.” Whatever ,whatever, I’ll be patient and see what they have.

12:16 – What is the paradigm shift? 1) “Evergreen” games that sell for long periods of time (Nintendogs…sigh). 2) People don’t need good graphics anymore. I think that’s the next point he’s making. Fuck that. Wii graphics look worse than PS2 most of the time. ) And finally, the video game market was too limited. Here we go with the all-inclusiveness of the Wii. Yeah it’s great more people are playing, but they should be playing better games than “Wii Sports.”

12:19 – Bragging about sales numbers. Yeah, they are pretty ridiculous, I’ll give them that.

12:23 – New Animal Crossing game. I’ve never actually played them but they look absolutely ridiculous. It’s like a cartoonish version of The Sims but with animals? I’m not sure. There are no goals? How does this work?

12:25 – The trippy fire hydrant auctioneer is freaking me out.

12:26 – Mmm, “Wiispeak” some sort of room-microphone. If the quality as good as it sounds in the video, that’s amazing. But I’m going to go ahead and be highly skeptical.

12:27 – I don’t understand why this game exists. This is pretty much everything I hate about Nintendo in one place.

12:28 – More bragging about sales numbers. Yeah, yeah, we got it, you’re amazing.

12:29 – Seriously, that many people own a DS? 20 million? That’s absurd. PSP does suck, so it has that going for it.

12:31 – The Pokemon series has sold 180 million units worldwide. I mean I know there’s like 400 Pokemon games, but that’s nuts.

12:33 – Still talking about sales numbers. I guess that’s their number one accomplishment (as opposed to making good games), so they might as well beat it to death.

Ed. note – Clearly I’m not a huge fan of the Wii. But that being said, I love games like Mario Galaxy, Smash Bros. Brawl, and Mario Kart Wii. However, those have nothing to do with “motion-sensing” bullshit and I hate how every other Wii game is a shitty collection of minigames. I’m also afraid that Wii’s absurd sales numbers is going to make Xbox and PS make motion sensing controls just to fit in.

12:38 – Short videos of people playing Star Wars: Clone Wars, Call of Duty World at War. Looks, eh, OK I suppose. I really would just rather use a controller than pointing my Wiimote like a gun.

12:41 – Nooo, the crazy lady is back. Guitar Hero On Tour for the DS looks innovative, I’ll give it that. But can you really be blaring this music out in public, or looking like a jackass wearing headphones and rocking out.

12:42 – Spore has always intrigued me. Kind of like Pokemon with less violence. But therefore less fun I suppose.

12:44 – Hahahaha, Grand Theft Auto: Chinatown Wars for DS. That’s hilarious. Good work Nintendo, a real damn video game.

12:45 – “What if DS and airtravel come together?” What? Can you pilot the plane? That would be awesome. Oh, find out where to get your luggage and your next gate. Also, check box scores on your DS and order sushi in Seattle. Practical?

12:46 – DS as a cookbook. Hooray! I want to punch this lady.

12:47 – Ah, the super precision motion-sensing thing. That’s a very good thing, the motion controls are pretty atrocious at the moment. What’s the demo game going to be?

12:48 – Wii Sports Resort. Shuffleboard? Oh God, “the cutest game you have ever seen,” something called Disc Dog. Throw your dog a Frisbee. My roommate’s girlfriend is going to love this. Why do they pick the lady who sucks ass at video games to demo all this stuff?

12:49 – Latino guy is palying what appears to be Wave Race with Miis. Looks actually pretty fun. He sucks at it too though. They’re blaming their suckitude on the “preciseness” of the new controller.

12:51 – Sword dueling, hell yes. This better be awesome.

12:52 – Kind of humorous. Would be a lot better if it wasn’t cartoon Miis bashing each other with colored wooden sticks. The 1:1 movement looks pretty good though. Now they need to just put it into a good game.

12:54 – Closing number. This better be fucking amazing to redeem a pretty shitty press conference. FFXIII for Wiiiiiiii!!!! Just kidding

12:55 - FFXIII for Wiiiiiiii!!!! Just kidding. But suck it Sony.

12:56 – Wii drumming. I’m assuming the guy they have doing this is a professional drummer, and he’s only halfway decent. He looks like he’s having a seizure.

12:57 – Wii saxaphoning. Oh OK, the game is called Wii Music. He’s playing the Wiimote like a recorder. I’m not sure if this is an actual game or if you just kind of dick around with all the instruments.

12:58 – Hey it’s Miyamoto playing the sax! I knew he’d show up eventually. The purpose of the game is for people who suck at music to be able to play anyways. Kind of the same philosophy behind Wii Sports. You can pretty much just mash buttons and the game makes it not sound like shit. Hooray! The philosophy behind most new Nintendo games.

1:01 - Seriously, this is the last thing, no major franchise characters with any new titles? Terrrrrrrible press conference. But that won’t stop Nintendo from doubling their Wii and DS sales tomorrow.

"Final Fantasy XIII" for Xbox 360!?

Mon, 14 Jul 2008 15:51:00 -0400

Seriously.

I’ve never really followed E3 religiously. I usually just read about it in next month’s Game Informer, but seeing as I’m sitting around with not much to do, I thought I’d turn on Microsoft’s live on conference on G4. Boy am I glad I did.

This is probably one of the most earthshattering video game announcements in recent memory: Square Enix’s Final Fantasy series is no long exclusive to Sony. I knew something was up when the president of S-E was introduced as the very last speaker. But then he started talking about all these old-news 360 games like Star Ocean and Last Remnant. He concluded and Microsoft’s awkward MC came back, but then the crafty Asian came back for one list thing, “By the way, Final Fantasy XIII is being released for Xbox 360.” This has been likened to a massive kick in the nuts for Sony, but I’d say it’s more like a shotgun to the face.

PS3 now only has Metal Gear Solid 4 and the forever-coming God of War III as noteable exclusive franchises. They already lost Grand Theft Auto, and Microsoft has everything from Halo to Gears to Bioshock in its arsenal (or did they lose Bioshock?) Anyways, fanboys everywhere are erupting on comment boards in either joy or outrage, and this announcment just made this a huge huge day for Microsoft.

Final Thoughts: Just. Wow.

"Max Payne" Trailer Not the Worst Thing Ever

Thu, 10 Jul 2008 14:28:00 -0400

Watch it here.

Great Mark, but try to look more constipated.

The new trailer for the Max Payne movie has just debuted, and I’m happy to say it exceeds expectations. There has yet to be a solidly “good” video game to movie adaptation, which is why those behind the new Max Payne film appear to be pretending like they’re adapting it from a graphic novel. The shots in the trailer look to be in the style of Sin City with a touch of 300 sprinkled with obligatory Matrix bullet time.

Mark Wahlberg was of course the obvious choice to play Max, not only because Max is a cop (see every Marky Mark movie ever), but the resemblence is pretty damn good as well. I’m not sure if that’s a compliment. Mila Kunis is also in there somewhere, which is excellent because every since Forgetting Sarah Marshall I’ve been waiting to see her onscreen again.

The trailer more or less seems to follow the mood and tone of the game, which was quite excellent at storytelling itself. The only bit of strangeness is the appearence of some sort of Angel/Vulture creature glimpsed in a few split second shots, and then at the end pulling someone out of a window. Is this just a hallucination from trippy drug Valkyr, or has Max stumbled upon the world of Spiderman?

Guess we’ll find out October 17th.

Final Thoughts: Prediction: Will still suck. On a related note, Gore Verbinski’s BioShock will be awesome.

Xbox 360 Jumping on Motion-Sensor Bandwagon? Please, No

Wed, 09 Jul 2008 14:41:00 -0400

Yes, that’s exactly how ridiculous you look doing it. Orange feathers and all.

Well this is disturbing. Since the Wii has sold so many units that Nintendo employees now wallpaper their house with money, everyone has decided that motion sensing gaming is the new way to go. This is despite the fact that the Wii has one (mildly) entertaining game that uses the motion sensor (Wii Sports) and it’s best titles have very little or nothing to do with the sensor (Smash Bros. Brawl, Mario Galaxy, Mario Kart).

The latest lemming for this fad is Microsoft, who as seen above is considering making use of motion sensing technology in the new Banjo-Kazooie game. Says the video: “So you basically grab with the wrench and then you twist the controller around and it’ll move different things in the game.” Well I guess thats slightly more fun than twirling your joystick around in a circle, but is it going to be worth the $30 attachment packaged with the game? God no.

Final Thoughts: I go to sleep every night praying that the Wii doesn’t destroy video gaming as we know it.

Even the Previews Before "The Dark Knight" to be Epic

Tue, 08 Jul 2008 19:00:00 -0400

Yes.

So blah blah blah The Dark Knight is going to cause Armaggeddon with it’s awesomeness, but apparently, even before the film starts rolling, audiences should be in for a treat. Three much anticipated new trailers are debuting before the film, and chances are you’ve been waiting to see them for awhile. Or at least will be once I tell you about them.

Terminator Salvation - Yeah alright, this one is questionable at best, but it does star Christian Bale and at one point in history the Terminator franchise was indeed the shit. I have zero real expectations for this movie, so hey, can’t be let down right?

Body of Lies - Ridley Scott, Russell Crowe, Leonardo DiCaprio. What else even needs to be said? It’s a thriller about a journalist hired by the CIA to to hunt down a leader of Al Queda (hell yes us journalists are tough!) and hopefully will be the first decent insight into the conflicts in the Middle East. Sounds a bit like Syriana which kind of sucked, and that had the famous faces of Matt Damon and George Clooney to carry it. We’ll see, we’ll see.

The Watchmen - Alright, now this one I’m truly excited about. After downloading the graphic novel off bittorent (what? It costs seventy bucks!), I found this to be the most engrossing comic I’ve ever read. Throw in 300’s Zack Snyder directing and you’ve most likely got a damn good adaptation.

Final Thoughts: How almost every graphic novel makes a halfway decent movie, but zero video games translate the same way?

New "Fable 2" Screenshots Look Well, Pretty God-Awful Actually

Sun, 06 Jul 2008 00:14:00 -0400

Check out the gallery here.

Oh no! It’s a…green…radioactive…goblin…ghost…skeleton. Yeah.

So the original Fable on Xbox was something of a let down. It promised open world exploration and total free will, but what we got was a main character with the inability to climb wooden fences and the capacity to choose between being a horned spawn of Satan and Dudley Do-right. The final product was much less than was promised, so we all hoped that Fable 2 would make up for it’s predecessors’ shortcomings.

Well, the latest round of fourth of July screenshots just released should do nothing to bolster anyone’s confidence about the sequel’s prospects. Is this game being released for the original Xbox? Because that’s sure what the graphics seem to say. I know that Fable isn’t exactly Oblivion when it comes to realistic character design, but dear Lord, let’s cut down on the Disney animation here. I’ve almost no expectations for this next game now, and will proceed to keep playing Mass Effect over and over until Xbox comes out with another decent game.

Final Thoughts: How could you really resist killing every annoying NPC in the original Fable? Free will my ass.

"Guitar Hero" God 100%'s "Through the Fire and the Flames," Dear Lord...

Thu, 03 Jul 2008 14:26:00 -0400

Watch the video here.

“So far awaaaaaaay!”

On first glance, it’s easy to make fun of a kid who has put in the hours (days, weeks) required to achieve such an impossible task as hitting every single note (out of 3,722) in Guitar Hero III’s most notorious song. Yes, he probably unlocked the “Go Outside” achievement on Xbox 360 after doing so and will probably never have the social skills to be able to use those flighty fingers on a girl, but easy insults aside, this is simply astonishing. It’s what I’d imagine it was like watching Moses part the Red Sea. For anyone who’s ever strapped on the plastic guitar, it’s an absolutely jaw-dropping must-see.

Final Thoughts: I suppose it could be fake, but if so this kid deserves a different award for either hacking or video editing or acting. I’m inclined to think it’s legit though, you can’t fake the genunie disbelief in his voice. “That just happened…”

REVIEW: Hancock

Wed, 02 Jul 2008 12:17:00 -0400

Half-cocked

“Yeah, I’ll find your puppy, when you find me some bourbon.”

Hancock was a movie designed to be fail-proof. It’s a big budget action-comedy released on 4th of July weekend starring the one and only Will Smith, which alone is enough to make the film double its budget. But Hancock also benefits from a brilliant supporting cast including Arrested Development alum Jason Bateman and Oscar winner Charlize Theron. Finally, the mere concept of an alcoholic superhero is LOL-able right off the bat. So why then, is Hancock only half a good film?

In a word, direction. The lion’s share of Hancock is everything we all wanted it to be. A drunken superhero (Smith) flies around crashing through freeway signs and skyscrapers, ending a violent car chase by impaling an SUV on a building spire. Instead of praise and accolades however, he’s met with boos and jeers, and the news reports property damages in excess of $9 million dollars, said to be Hancock’s personal best.

Soon after, when he saves floundering PR rep Ray Embrey (Jason Bateman) from an oncoming locamotive, Hancock is again faced with a hostile crowd as the train lies in pieces behind him. “You smell like liquor!” One woman shrieks. “That’s because I’ve been drinkin’ bitch!” he replies. And it becomes abundantly clear why Hancock is stellar on first glance, it’s Will Smith as the anti-Will Smith. Only he could still be charming playing the absolute least likeable individual on the planet.

Ray convinces Hancock to undergo an “image makeover” which involves incarceration (he’s failed to show up to over 600 subpoenas so far), a brand new leather suit and the people skills to congratulate officers on a job well done. The story arc here is what we expected from the film and really, it’s all we wanted. What the film decides to do next is ultimately head-scratching and sad as we watch the script meander of course. So much so that not even a box-office superhero like Will Smith can save it

There’s a distinct point in Hancock when the film decides to stop being a comedy. Not to give too much away, but it involves Ray’s wife (Charlize Theron) and unraveling the mystery of Hancock’s origin. The film gets wrapped up in its own mythology, in a movie where no mythology was ever asked for or required. Things take a dark turn when Hancock begins losing his powers, and Ray suddenly finds himself watching both his wife and new friend slowly dying in a hospital. So, uh, what happened? The road from A to C complete skips any sort of “B” transition period, and all of a sudden the film just feels icy cold. All the warmth of the first hour now seems a million miles away.

Hancock is a genius concept for a film, and the casting has the smarts to match. The film never realizes its full potential, but is still one of the most entertaining films of the summer, despite derailing itself near the end. It would seem that the best summer movie experience so far is to watch the first hour of Hancock then jump theaters to catch the last hour of Wanted. Hopefully sometime before September we can find a movie that’s enjoyable all the way through, but until then (*cough* Dark Knight) these unfinished offerings will have to do.

3 out of 5 stars

“Hey, remember on ‘Arrested Development’ when we…”

“Yes.”

“So did you maybe want to…”

“No.”

"Resident Evil 4," Because Why the Hell Not?

Tue, 01 Jul 2008 17:52:00 -0400

Worth the ticket price alone.

So Resident Evil has the distinct honor of being possibly the best video game movie ever made. But that’s kind of like saying that The Hot Chick is the best Rob Schneider movie ever made. That means it’s kind of mixed news that Paul W. S. Anderson is thinking about making a fourth movie in the series. Sure Milla Jovovich will look hot kicking zombie mutant bio-freak ass as always, but is that concept alone really worth stretching into four movies, when three was painfully tedious? Guess so, as Paul W.S. explains:

“I love the Resident Evil franchise and we always try to make the best possible movie we can. If we could find a good Resident Evil 4 to make, then we would do it… But I wouldn’t just do it for the sake of it, that’s for sure.”

Oh no, you definitely wouldn’t just do it for the sake of it. No way. Just like him remaking Death Race isn’t just because Jason Statham is available or him filming a Spy Hunter movie isn’t just because it was at one time a video game, all of which are now required to be adapted into films. Ah well, whatever, killing zombies never gets old. But how come we get four Resident Evil movies and only one Shaun of the Dead?

Final Thoughts: I was going to make a joke about There Will be Blood until I discovered Paul Thomas Anderson is in fact NOT Paul W. S. Anderson. Who knew?

"Quantum of Solace" Trailer a Quantum of Ass Kicking

Mon, 30 Jun 2008 16:42:00 -0400

Who needs water in the desert when you have an assault rifle?

So at long last, the Quantum of Solace trailer has finally made it’s debut. But unlike previous Bond movies, this new film seems to be doing something different from almost all of it’s predecessors, it’s remembering what happened in the last film.

Most Bond girls are thrown away by the double-0 agent at the end of each film like the disposable eye candy they usually are. This time however, Quantum opens about twenty minutes after Casino Royale ended, and the new film is an outward spiral of events triggered from what happened in the last film.

Bond’s love, I’m-not-going-to-pretend-I-remember-her-name, is dead, and he’s quite pissed about it. According to the trailer, seeking revenge against those who contributed to her demise involves hooking up with at least two new hot chicks, Olga Kurylenko and Gemma Arterton, and the necessary amounts of machine gun fire and Aston Martins. M is quite upset at his rogue status, forcing Bond to go all Bourne on everyone and track down the evildoers all the while avoiding capture himself.

Quantum of Solace opens Novemember 7th and maybe then we can figure out what the hell the name’s about.

Final Thoughts: “Quantum of Solace” translates to “A Portion of Alleviation” in regular people English. Dictionary.com to the rescue!

REVIEW: Wanted

Sun, 29 Jun 2008 20:58:00 -0400

A Bloody Good Time

“Stop looking up my skirt and drive!”

Wanted is a strange case indeed, and the conundrum is demonstrated most clearly in the pulse-pounding trailer. At first it seems to be a straight Matrix rip-off, coming a few years too late, with a bit of Smokin’ Aces thrown in for good measure. There’s slow-motion bullet time, there’s obscenely impossible chase sequences and it just seems like yet another throwaway action flick. But then you stop and think about why the Oscar-worthy trio of Angelina Jolie, James McAvoy and Morgan Freeman would even give this script a second glance. There has to be more to it than that.

The fact is, there is more to it, and the storyline about a group of ancient weavers who decided that their looms were telling them to kill people, isn’t as absurd as it might sound initially. Alright, maybe it is, but let’s just roll with it.

Wesley Gibson (a mostly Americanized James McAvoy) is an office drone suffering from panic attacks every time anything stressful pops into his life. More often than not this is when his donut hoovering boss is yelling at him about billing reports or he imagines how his best friend is railing his girlfriend behind his back (which he is). He’s accomplished nothing in his life, and his name doesn’t even yield a single search result on Google, which is probably the most unbelievable part of the film, car flipping and bullet curving aside.

All that changes one day when he meets a sexy vixen named Fox (Angelina Jolie being everything you’ve ever wanted her to be) who rescues him from an attempted whacking by rouge assassin Cross, a man said to have killed his long-lost father a few days earlier. Fox takes Wesley back to meet Sloan (the forever wise Morgan Freeman) who explains to him the extent of his secret powers and the secret society and the secret way targets are selected (enter the loom of fate). Throwing away his previously empty existence Wesley begins to embrace, the way of the gun and dives into an abusive training regimen head first.

Yeah, you think he wouldn’t be accurate shooting like this, but…

Let’s just stop here, and say that this first hour of Wanted is actually pretty damn terrible. The entire first half of the film, you can’t stop yourself from thinking “Matrix, Matrix Matrix” at every new plot progression. Does this sound familiar? A corporate schmoe gets wisked off his feet by a sexy lady saving him from certain death. She then takes him to a wise black man who tells him he has unlimited power. To “prove his worth” he’s put through a series of physically impossible tasks which he eventually masters and everyone realizes how sweet he is. Yes it’s Thomas Anderson to a tee, but also young Wesley Gibson, and the first part of Wanted is absolutely painful in its unoriginality. And don’t start telling me “well, it was a graphic novel first” because it was published in ’03. So there.

But an eye-rolling first act aside, Wanted actually takes a turn near the middle which is both surprising and seems like it’s way too good for this movie. Spoilers would ruin the fun here, so we’ll just go with the cryptic “everything is not what it seems” disclaimer which isn’t nearly as lame as it sounds. The last forty minutes or so of the film is spellbinding, and the film deftly avoids all the cheap tricks and theatrics that so heavily populated the first hour. Yes, there will most likely be a sequel, but one of the landmines the film successfully avoids is a blatantly obvious setup for a second installment, when it would have been the easy road out to do so.

Story arcs aside, the action is what most of the audience came for, that and the opportunity to ogle Angelina’s bare behind (oh yes, it’s in there). Every action sequence in the film is insanely over the top by design, most prominently featured is a chase involving a pirouetting Dodge Viper being driven by someone residing on the hood of the car. The gunfights are more where the film shines, and although bullet time is no longer original, Wanted adds a whole new slew of fun things you can do with hot lead. This includes assassinating people from a county away with a sniper rifle that barely fits in a room, deflecting bullets with other bullets as a logical means of defense, and of course, the soon-to-be-famous skill of bullet curving, which is exactly what it sounds like. In fact, one scene in Wanted where Wesley runs through a room guns blazing and twirling, actually rivals, dare I say it, the lobby scene from The Matrix. Seriously.

So is Wanted worth the ride? After all, there is a very cute robot in theaters this week. The short answer is yes, but you could save yourself some time if you’ve already seen The Matrix and just come in at about the 50-minute mark. But after that, what you’ll see will blow you away.

3.5 out of 5 stars

Cinemascore exit polls: Why did you go see Wanted?

67% - Action

61% - Angelina Jolie